A Lament of Why

Here is an excerpt from my current project, a book of modern psalms. It’s an honest walk through different seasons of faith, a response of prayers, praises and laments in response to a modern christian’s experience, my experience. It began as journal entries that were a means of coping and working through deep seated struggles of faith, but have turned into—hopefully—an encouragement to others who want to believe and fight to hold their faith intact after grief or loss, that someone else is voicing the same questions you have, but are to timid to share out of fear or shame. I’m not afraid to share this collection, ultimately, because I believe as Paul did, boasting in my weakness because that’s where God’s power is made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) and likewise I believe whole heartedly in what Paul tells earlier in his letter to the Corinthians…

2 Cor 1:4-5 3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

So I share my laments for those lamenting alone, I share my prayers for those who wish they had the words to say, and I share my encouragements for those who need it. It’s all just Overflow. It belongs to Everyone. It’s not mine to hold onto, and in fact, there is incredible liberation in releasing it not only to the light of day, but to another’s hands and heart.

A Lament of Why

“The world has always been a dark place and while we have seen glimmers of light, it really seems no brighter.

The shadows are just as long reaching and the powers at be just as sinister.

What has the church accomplished since Christ vanished?

Mystical experiences and miracles of centuries past; councils, charters and creeds surfacing as cannon by the wisdom of mere men, all in alignment with the one Spirit that is?

Producers and benefactors for the production of fine art and architecture; the hand that moved and shaped local government as often as it served and tended to its needs?

What was God’s will during the plague and the crusades?

During the outbreaks of Ebola, civil war, world war, the industry of slavery and the opioid epidemic?

What is God’s plan in the earthquake in Syria claiming tens of thousands of unsaved Islamic lives?

Why are the hands of God so far removed from humanity?

Why is He being so very patient toward evil and sin;

Aren’t they the culprits to all this suffering and death?

What exactly did Jesus do in the cross?

Christ ransomed humanity from the legal ownership of sin; liberated us from slavery to sin and darkness.

He made a way for us to be granted eternal life at the final resurrection and sent the Helper to teach and empower us.

But somehow, after all that, we are still living on enemy terrain in hostile darkness.

We are succumbing to the powers of evil daily, in trickles and deluges.

What is the plan in this?

When women who have placed their womb in Your hands and have seen miscarriage after miscarriage;

Who lack the faith now to believe in your supposed promises?

Are you the author of life?

Do you have jurisdiction in the womb of a woman of faith?

Doesn’t your spirit live there?

Are you allowing death to participate that close to your light?

Are you even there?

Do you answer the prayers of those who love you and love their brothers and sisters in the Lord?

Why don’t you heal Mike Heiser?

Why didn’t you heal Mrs. Hagans?

Why are you letting back pain flare up in me again?

Why aren’t you proving for us financially like you can and did before?

Are you aware that all these tests You are putting us through are excruciating?

That they make us want to die?

That they make life a curse?

Can’t you see that?

Then why don’t you intervene?

Why don’t you be the king we seek and serve and stand behind?

Why are you hidden from us?

Why are You silent?”

I remember this season of life. It was a few years ago. I was doing all the “right” things for my health, eating well, moving my body more, not compromising my back which had come through some major trauma and healing, only to find myself succumb again to unruly back pain and minor debilitation. There is nothing like chronic and acute physical pain that will bring you soul to it’s knees and have you questioning everything you know about God, Life and your Beliefs. Nothing like participating in grief and loss that makes your world unravel like a dropped ball of yarn.

These were dry times. I saw my pain and my struggles to cope within the faces of everyone around me, across the globe in those I never met. Everyone’s story became real and heartbreaking to me. I got it. Sympathy struck like a sledge hammer in my heart.

Surely, if I can ache for the human condition and am devastated over the tragedy of it in this world, then certainly Our Maker aches more. As more time has passed and circumstances keep evolving as the world keeps spinning, there is more perspective to be had. There always is.

God is unheard but God is not silent. He is always moving and always speaking. I’m not always tuned in. I’m not always hearing. I’m not always still enough and quiet enough to listen. His Word is what is upholding all of Life, sustaining all of creation at every moment. This is all a gift we are living in. That’s the starting point. He is like hidden treasure, buried in the hearts, minds and faces of our fellow human. Tucked under the blades of grass and dancing upon the mulberry leaves. Nature reveals his nearness as much as the hands of our Neighbor.

So, when I ask, “Why are you hidden; why are you silent?” I can self correct, “Why can’t I see you now? Why can’t I hear you now?”

I think the answer lies in the idea of change. I think God is in the habit of never doing things the same way twice, never making the same two people, never teaching the lesson by the book, never taking someone on the exact same road to the exact same destinations. I think God is more creative, playful, intentional and patient than we can imagine. And I think God grieves the ramifications of sin on this world, our suffering and brokenness, far more than we can imagine.

What I don’t see through my limited perspective and experience is ALL that God is doing through the lives of others. The miracles, the quiet whispers, the revelations, the needs met, the soul comfort, the protection, and yes, the standing alongside while they too suffer with pain. He’s always moving, the Spirit is always helping, there for Everyone in need, for everyone who asks.

Laments like these ultimate led me to a place of humbling myself and asking whole heartedly every day, not only for complete healing and reversal of my circumstances and of those I was praying for, but mainly for help. “Help me, God.” “I can’t do this, I need help.” At some point, I came to a new realization. What if the goal of my life isn’t perfect wellness? What if the goal of my life is dependence on Him who is perfect? What if the goal of my life is the daily cry and surrender to the Helper? That this world is but a testing ground of character, a breath and momentary wind, a wisp as the biblical poets call it. That it really is like Paul claims to the Roman Christian’s, a people going through intense grief and loss, pain beyond measure.

Romans 8:18-39“18I consider that our present sufferings are not comparable to the glory that will be revealed in us.19The creation waits in eager expectation for the revelation of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not by its own will, but because of the One who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until the present time. 23Not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved; but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet see, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know how we ought to pray, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans too deep for words. 27And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

28And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. 29For those God foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.

31What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is there to condemn us? For Christ Jesus, who died, and more than that was raised to life, is at the right hand of God—and He is interceding for us.

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:

“For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”g

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

No, God is not silent, or inactive, or distant, or impotent. God is at the forge striking the hot iron. He is forming a people who are strong and tested, pure and beautiful, made so in the intensity of His love. This life is not the end. Your pain and troubles are not the end. The best is yet to come. We can look for it here and we can see glimpses of it, we can hear the movement of God, and we can experience his Love here and now. We are more than conquerors of trouble, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger and war. We truly are. We conquer these travesties not my avoiding them or eliminating them from our lives, but sometimes, by sitting in them with a heart of love and spirit of hope. By not letting them define us but letting the Helper shape us through them into people dependent on their Maker, and empathetic toward their neighbor.

My prayer is that our eyes are open today to see God at work, to see Him moving and hear his voice. That we have the humility to ask for help in our weakness and allow His power to be perfected in us!