So My Capacity is Greater

Here’s a journal entry I made a few weeks ago, shared here for transparency, encouragement and posterity.

4/18/25

Had a night last night

Jeremy’s (my husband) away on his offsite and I wept for maybe an hour before falling asleep

For weeks I have felt off, like with depression but completely not, as well.

Not hopeless… just heavy or full.

This morning as I drove, I named it as “overwhelmed.” Not in the sense of having too much to do or too much worry. Not at all. I’m overwhelmed with a fullness of everything. Fullness of spirit. Fullness of beauty. Fullness of grief. Fullness of potential. Fullness of hope. Fullness of feelings. Fullness that hurts. Aching in my chest. Sinking in my stomach.

I distinctly get the sense the Lord is saying that I’m being stretched/expanded so my capacity is greater.

Capacity for what? Sorrow or joy?

It scares me but I’m grateful for the warning.

Without sounding morose or dramatic, I long to shed mortality and return to the earth. To become infused into the land and leaf and tree. To float like pollen on the wind and rest. To wake up when the age is ready to be made new. Where deep calls to deep.

It’s amazing how simply writing thoughts down takes me from a place of angst to peace, as if giving name or word to the intangible realities within me not only categorizes them but appreciates them and constrains them. It orders me in some small way and lightens my mind.

If you don’t write down your own thoughts, give it a try. I promise it will be powerful.